The German Connection

The apartment complex where I reside is quite classy. Polished granite flooring, awesome bathrooms, front-door video security cameras, a sassy club, a joggers park - and would you believe it - a lake! Little wonder then, that it is a favorite with the expats. But the moment you leave the luxurious confines of Lake Homes - you are back in India. And you have to do that if you wish to purchase mundane items for daily use. And if any expat (esp. the non-english speaking ones) assumes that granite floors and kirana-store vendors with clipped oxford accents are natural bed-fellows...he is in for a rude (and incomprehensible) shock.

So here I was one Sunday morning - walking into Prabhat Stores run by a god-fearing Gujarati called Nimes-bhai - who makes earwax sculptures when he is not stinking the place up with incense (a dhoop brand called Mallika's Choice of all things). Now, Nimes-bhai is nice guy. He stocks my favorite brand of body wash, delivers goods home promptly and does not sell Milk cartons from September 2001. He drives a nice bike and wears clean shirts which look like they were cut out from velvet curtains hanging in Buckingham palace. (I said he was God-fearing not Goddy-fearing!) So he has most of the qualities which constitute a nice man in my book - which does not include a knowledge of the Queen's language. Which is good for him...because despite smiling helpful face - he cannot speak a word of english...other than Shame-poo or Bodie-vos. So when I walked into the shop on that particular Sunday - and flashed him my customary smile, I didn't get one in return. He was evidently experiencing a great deal of chagrin - which seemed to be caused by a conversation he was having on the phone. As I walked by - he called out "Saab, zarra idhar ek minit aayenge?" I turned and went to the counter stocked with mango jelly and packs of his favorite Mallika Sherawat incense. "Zara inse vaat karo ne? Kuch samajh nahin padh raha hain!" And he handed the phone to me.

"Hello?" I said not knowing what I was getting into.

"Hullo! Hullo! I need Toilet Papier...you know? White paper with which I wipe my ass!" cried out a distressed voice like a German colonel asking his errant soldiers to pay attention.

I was too taken aback to reply. But 30 years of social interaction told my senses to react.

"Huh?"

"Mein Gott! Das ist wahnsinn!" (My God! This is crazy!) He sounded like he was about to pass out - or soil his pants - or both.

I gathered my senses - and replied. "Nein. Es ist nicht!" (No. It is not!) ""Sie brauchen Toilet Papier - Ich Verstande..." (You need toilet paper - I understand...)

Silence.

"Sie sprechen Deutsch?" he asked after a while, in a voice that betrayed bewilderment. "Ja" I replied. "Unbelievable!" he blurted. Then he said in German,"But you cannot even speak english! How can you speak German?!!" Then I realized what was happening...he hadn't realized that Nimes-bhai had given the phone to me. I chuckled and decided to play along.

"Mein grossvater war vom Munich. Er heist Klaus." (My grandfather was from Munich. His name was Klaus.) I continued in German, "He was a part of the special grocer community who was driven out by the Nazis during WWII. We all came to Mumbai and settled down...hence you will see that most grocery shop owners in Mumbai speak German...even if not English."

"Wirklich!!?" (really!!?)

"Ja" I said...thoroughly enjoying myself, "every October all of us wear Bavarian clothes and celebrate the Oktoberfest when we drink a lot of Coconut Water."

"Das ist sehr intressand!" (This is very interesting!) Then I told him that the next time he visited the grocery shop - he could talk to the guys in German, and asked him for his address where I needed to send the Toilet Paper. He obliged and I said expansively "Danke schon! Haben sie eine gute tag! Tchuss!" (Thank you! You have a nice day! Bye!)

Turning back to a very curious Nimes-bhai I relayed the message and the address - with a big smile on my face - satisfied by my good deed of the day. (I am a little evil that way...)

I really wish I could listen in the next time the German came here and attempted to strike up a conversation with poor khaman-munching Nimes-bhai! :)

Before HT...;)

...Hindustan Times carried a half-pager on the OOXML Vs. ODF standards battle - in Mumbai a day after I published my blog entry. :) (The Delhi edition carried this story a day before...)

http://www.hindustantimes.com/StoryPage/StoryPage.aspx?id=706104ad-84c6-4131-96c1-77e1bf96d557

Great read!

How a monopoly works...

"How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just declare darkness the new standard".

Welcome to the Monopoly.

One would be excused to think, the fact that Microsoft software has become the de-facto standard for Office productivity, would give these guys are sense of security. But the irony of the matter is that the leader of the bunch is probably the most insecure of them all... and it shows in their actions (and lawsuits). So much so that today they are trying to "influence" a sacrosanct neutral standards organization such as ISO to adopt their office document standard as an ISO standard. This one is called the Office Open eXtensible Markup Language (or OOXML). OOXML is an XML-based file format specification for electronic documents such as spreadsheets, charts, presentations and word processing documents.

Now - the problem is that ISO already has a Document standard called the ODF - or the Open Document Format. ODF is used by IBM, Sun and other supporters of the Open Source movement in their Office productivity software and also in the solutions that they develop for their customers. Still - one can hardly compare the sales of MS Office and the others OR take very seriously the impact that open source software is having on MS Office market share. But does this stop MS from worrying?

Nope

In an interview with ZDNet, Microsoft's senior director of interoperability and IP policy, Nicos Tsilas, expressed concern that IBM and supporters of the Free Software Foundation have been lobbying governments to use the rival OpenDocument Format (ODF) standard exclusively because they are unable to compete with Microsoft through their Office products.

This only shows an underlying insecurity, that people will finally realize that they are over-paying for underperforming software...and that will be the end of their reign at the top. Why can't MS adopt ODF instead - and benefit from the collaboration of thousands of engineers globally? Why can't it join hands with IBM and Sun to build better products?

Because - it will give the customers a choice. And creation of choice for a Monopoly is like having a prison without walls. Doesn't work well for the prison's business model...

I implore my readers to try out alternate office packages - like Openoffice.org... they are free and bug-free. If you cannot do this in office...at least try them at home. They might not have feature glut like MS Office...but these are genuine attempts at innovation and deserve our attention and patronage.

An appeal to HTML

Readers. (If I still have any left!) The blog is back after a long hiatus...no excuses offered. In fact if I owe an apology to anyone it would be the blog itself - and the thousands of tireless workers who give it life. I can imagine hundreds of lines of sulking html code discussing with annoyed Javascript and irritated Cascading Style Sheets:

"What's wrong with this guy?!"

"Doesn't he feel anymore?"

"Doesn't he need us anymore?"

Au contraire my dear tags, brackets, semi colons and forward slashes...I need you all. I am bursting from the seams with unexplored ideas, unexploited witticisms and unintended puns. I know you guys today go under the name of "Web 2.0" and everything's gotta be real time - but hey, good stuff needs time to germinate. I appeal to you for patience and understanding. The time is nigh when I shall unleash your potent forces on the suspecting world outside...

Would you like to make the audience laugh recounting the hilarious conversation I had with a German expat?

Would headbang in tune with the A-Z of Rock? (Imagine a headbanging Semi-colon!)

Would you hold a protest march support my disillusionment with the IT industry?

Would you reconfigure yourselves into a Tag Heart to show the love that fills me?

If the answer is yes...then stay primed. Your time in the sun is here.

Get ready to "Rock n' Roll"! ;)