The curse of oneness...

Am in an introspective mood.

Sure...I always think a lot (in fact it's my favorite hobby - apart from writing), and most of my thoughts are disjointed, each one a homogenous entity in it's own. Each thought spawns micro-thoughts like the tentacles of a medusa... and each tentacle forms a head and tentacles of its own. Sounds like a muddle? Actually - I have trained my mind to somehow categorize these thoughts (unconsciously) and when a critical mass of thoughts is reached - I feel heavy with distilled realization. That's when I get into an introspective mood.

I have been feeling heavy since the past two weeks. And before I burst and IT services has the unsavory job of scraping my innards of the laptop screen - I thought let me purge some of that heaviness onto the blog. This is not going to be like my usual entries... :)

I have been thinking about people. One would imagine that 30 years of life would have provided me with opportunity to meet several human beings - and so I have. Most of them bounce of the peripheri of my consciousness... some of them manage to enter but very few have managed to make their way to the core. I am not a difficult person to be with or befriend (I think) - but somehow most people who do enter my consciousness, fail at some point or the other to display action or intent in line with my expectations. You would say, "Ha...it's your fault then! You have high expectations!"

Maybe.

But my expectations from others are not even half as high as those I have from myself. As I have grew older, smelt the sweet and tasted the acrid, enjoyed the rapture of true love and suffered the lacerations of selfishness and malice - I started wondering if we were all sent to this world by God to be alone... After all - barring romantic tales of the Bard - we all die alone. Even if we do find people who penetrate our ever-thickening consciousness - they never become one with us. They remain seperate entities - satellites with their own orbits, center-of-gravities and propulsion systems. But every love story or friendship - especially the ones which begin intensely - throw illusions of a oneness. A oneness that makes us feel lighter - makes us feel as if finally we have found company for our long and arduous journey towards our eventual end.

But in my experience - oneness is just that - an illusion. A mirage that helps you along on your journey towards dust. And this made me feel as if all people in this world are selfish. And life is a curse with I have to bear alone. Friends are for the moment and later are relegated to words appearing and disappearing in a chat box. Lovers satisfy immediate needs before failing on every other count.

Then - the typical critic that I am of my thoughts - I decided that this view has to be all wrong. These feelings of contempt that I have for other people cannot be right - because we are all children of the same god. If I have contempt for others - I should have contempt for myself. And that is something I don't have... So decided to take God's view of things.

I closed my eyes and sat 50,000 feet above the ground on a cumulonimbus seat - and looked down at all those various human beings for whom I had contempt. They were all scurrying around like little mice in a huge mousetrap - trying to "steal" a little cheese, bumping into other mice, trying to make the best of what they have. All the mice just wanted to survive and not get stuck and killed in the trap. What's wrong with that?

I still don't have any answers - but I know that today as a society we are not inclined towards oneness - and the oneness that can be achieved is in ourselves. People get unhappy by seemingly unkind actions of others - but most of the time the person responsible for the unkind action is just trying make the best of what he/she has. Maybe the right approach is not to search for happiness in the actions and opinions of others. If someone has entered your consciousness and has the power to induce rapture - don't expect he/she will not use the power to induce pain. Accept the sour with the sweet. But remember - that your soul is just yours... untouchable by anyone except whatever you think God is.

I want to take the journey from outward contempt to inward love to outward love. Love that encapsulates both rapture and pain. Love that is ingrained deep in my soul and does not depend on the actions of others or incidents. Love that can heal any wound that will eventually become love that will eliminate the concept of wounds. Love that will draw on every kind action and every healing word that I have been lucky to be on the receiving end of. Love that draws from the passion that I felt in my relationships and the beauty of sacrifices that my lovers have made for me. Love that mirrors the undying hope in my parents' eyes and the unabashed affection in my son's.

That is the love that I want to find. In me. And I also know where the map to that love lies. In me. I want to reach a plane of existence where physical life just becomes a manifestation of the love inside me...and does not depend on the relativity of relationships or people.

I feel better now. Lighter. God bless Web 2.0. :) Have a great day!

Rickshaw Spat

I work hard.

That is not a confession but a matter of fact statement. I work hard for many reasons...so that I can send my son to a good school, because I have lost all my friends (I should title this "Confessions of a Category Manager"), so that I can find my purpose in life (by the process of elimination...this one ain't it!) and most importantly, so that I do not have to use public transport. Though Mumbai claims to have a better public transport infrastructure than most cities - I beg to differ. Compared to Chennai or Delhi, traveling by auto-rickshaw in Mumbai is still akin to having sex in an airplane toilet (pleasurable even if it leaves one with a sore back...). But the constant pressure of the Global economy (damn you, Friedman) is sullying the thusfar obsequious outlook of my city's Rickshawallahs... Today, Mumbai rickshawallahs are as opportunistic as any mid-level manager working for any major IT company... (am I pushing my luck or what?!!)

And so I tend to avoid them. But as my spiritual teacher (Enid Blyton) once told me - you cannot avoid your fears...destiny will make you face them. That's what happened with me. My office shifted to a Special Export Zone - a walled fortress with tighter security than Tihar, housing factories and software sweatshops...key drivers of the FM's plan to someday show the middle-finger to China. This also meant that my car now required a pass to enter this fortress. A pass which requires process and documentation which makes filing your IT returns look like a walk in the park. So there I was this Monday morning, waiting for the said pass to arrive, flagging down irate and egomaniacal Rickwallahs so that I could make it in time for the 9:30 AM conference call. After a good 10 minutes I found one that was vacant...the guy stopped and gave me the "you-can't-just-disturb-the-CEO-without-an-appointment" look.

"Seepz" I said. (That's what the SEZ is called)

He looked at me as I was speaking in Moldovan. "Seepz chaloge?" I repeated infusing an extra dose of politeness I usually reserve for my boss. He looked at me as if I just asked him pull out his toenails...a look that said "Are you totally out of your mind?!! Why on earth do you think I would like to go to Seepz?!! Don't I have anything better to do?" It was obvious that he was verbally challenged so he just threw back his head in unmasked disgust - snickered like Dr.Evil at my plight - and proceeded on, ignoring me as if I was an empty guthka packet by the roadside.

I was stunned. And even more so, when Dr.Evil actually stopped 10 feet away, parked his chariot, got out and leisurely proceeded to rub some chewing tobacco on his palm. I took whatever pride I had left, stowed it somewhere between my pancreas and gall-bladder - and went up to him again. "Seepz Chalo...dus rupiye zyaada lelena..." I can't believe I was giving into such rampant exploitation...but I was getting late. He continued his carcinogenic activity as if I hadn't spoken...stuffed the tobacco in his mouth - gave me a "Leave me alone or Die" look, took out his Vada-pav stained copy of Maharashtra Times and started browsing through it as if he was studying for UPSC...

This was too much for me...so I turned around and went back to my original waiting spot. So there we were standing 10 feet from each other... each having what the other required... but not acknowledging the obvious carrier-passenger relationship. For me, now it was a matter of pride. So I just stood there...waiting for the next vacant auto. The minutes passed like a glob of honey trailing along a horizontal piece of sandpaper. No auto. And best of all? No passenger for him either... 5 min. 10 min. Peak hour was over... and soon we were the only remnants of the morning rush. He started getting impatient...and I was far beyond impatience. Finally, he looked up, put his paper down and beckoned to me to come and sit in his vehicle.

I looked at him. With all the disdain and bile I could muster, i stared at him - and did the unthinkable. I told him, "Nahin, tere saath nahin jana." and looked away. He couldn't believe his ears...shook his head at my pigheadedness (???) and went back into his newspaper.

I felt great. A feeling greatly enhanced when within a minute of this a vacant Auto came my way... As I passed the still unemployed Dr.Evil...I looked at him. Yes...he was looking at me too... I gave him a mock salute, and he nodded, probably acknowledging the winner of this battle... and letting me know that war between man and rickshaw was far from over...

Tokyo Diary - 2

Alright...this is not going to be much of an entry, as between long bilingual meetings and longer multi-culti dinners - there is not much time left for blogging. But blogging is addictive...and it keeps nagging away at that "journalist" part of your brain... "Come on! Broadcast!" it says. So here I am stealing time between two meetings and giving up a smoke to update my blog. (As you can see it has multiple benefits! ;) )

Let me dedicate this entry to a few things that amaze me about Japan...in no particular order of amazement...

1) The Toilets. When the scriptwriters for Star Trek were wondering how to design Captain Kirk's (commander of the Starship Enterprise) Central Command Station...they would have drawn inspiration from the average Japanese toilet. Only the Japanese can make something as quotidian as "crapping" into an experience akin to video gaming. Of course - there are different models - depending on how fat a manual you can digest... I have seen ones with 200 page manuals describing how to use the various controls, dials, buttons and displays to have the most satisfying defecation in the world. Here is one... the pictures on the buttons are self explanatory. ;)

2) Suica Card: Suica-card is like a instant debit card which is primarily used to pay for subway travel in Tokyo...but one can also use them in vending machines, restaurants, convenience stores etc. Anyone can "buy" a Suica card for 500 Yen (4 dollars) at one of many vending machines at Tokyo subway stations. Then as and when required one can load the card at the same machines with cash. It is so easy that even I could learn how to use it in seconds... and now I don't carry cash anymore.

All one needs to do is place the card on the arrow as one enters the subway gate...and place it again when one is leaving the subway gate the destination station. It automatically calculates the far and deducts it from the card. This is has completely eliminated queues and ticket counters at Tokyo subway stations...

3) Vending Machines: Sure there are vending machines is most countries around the world (even in India these days!) - but none have reached the sophistication of those in Japan. First... one can find them in every street corner and middle, behind every office, at very floor of every office building, next to the toilets in restaurants, inside the toilets in restaurants...phew. And the variety of wares they carry! Everthing from hot and cold drinks, to snacks, to instant noodles, to condoms, to videos & comics and anything else that can be "dispensed". I am sure if someone tried to live only on stuff available in Vending Machines - one would survive for many a year... :)

Now it is time to go...people have been breathing down my neck... :) Happy Reading!

Domo Arigato!

Tokyo Diary - 1

Japan! Have I ever seen a prettier place in all my travels?

Now don't get me wrong - I am not talking about "Alps-in-the-backdrop" or "Hand-painted-marble-domes" or "deep-red-canyon-in-the-sunset" kind of pretty. If these are standard definitions of what constitute beauty, then look much further than Tokyo. This is man-made, machine-assisted, technologically-gifted pretty. This is the pinnacle of human development and civilized existence. This is concrete beauty of Michaelangelo proportions. Tokyo - for me and apparently a lot of other visitors - is a postcard perfect setting of a millenium of tradition and honour kept alive by modern marvels of architecture, tarmac, automobiles and neon-lights. And what completes this picture of "manicured modernity" are the Japanese people themselves. Compact, clean, disciplined - each Japanese takes up exactly as much space as he/she is allocated in the most densely populated nation in the world.

One has to look way beyond the glass and steel structures and the roads (which makes it seem as if God used a slide-rule to create this place) - to realize or appreciate beauty of such nature. One has to look at the extreme and animated politeness of the Japanese, or the way every small garden is snipped and trimmed to the perfection of a Supermodel's hair-do. One has to admire the poetry in the way extremely rich and extremely busy Tokyo-ites stand in perfect "one-arm-distance" waiting for a whisper-silent diesel-powered bus which glides into the bus-stop and whisks them away to their destinations. One has to be amazed at the way Japanese town-planning guys thought and designed the worlds most complex and efficient metro-railway system - where one does not have to wait for longer than 2 minutes for any train to any where... nor have to walk more then 10 minutes from any place in Tokyo to the nearest station. The fact that this was designed in 1934 is just a matter-of-fact.

And if cleanliness is really next to godliness - then I believe God lives here. I have never seen a sweeper or one of those big cleaning trucks here - but still one can detect a cigarette butt on the ground from a mile! One would say "Oh...how unnatural!" because that's what it seems like. And it would be unnatural (a la Singapore) if all this was enforced. But here, nothing is enforced. Everything is a way of life. From the way perfectly cut pieces of sushi are arranged in the plate to the way green tea leaves settle at the bottom of a cup - everything is as human as divine. One wonders how an small island nation of 200 million manages to be the second-largest economy in the world (and by a huge margin!). One look at the place and the people and the perfection all around - it is not only very easy to understand how but also to comprehend that Japan is "untouchable". No other nation can ever reach where these guys have...though neo-rich countries like China and India can tout double-digit growth rates and enjoy being the darlings of the world right now - it is Japan which has already scaled the peak of social, industrial and economic development... and will continue to lead the world in terms of sheer perfection.

Sughoi desu ne? Domo Arigato!

Return of the Gaijin - A Japanese sequel...

Writing this one from the Airport. Comfortably seated on an uncomfortable seat in a smoky restaurant - with a half-cooked chicken sandwich and two beers inside me - I am feeling surprisingly content. And strangely excited. I have been on this seat a million times before...and foreign travel has since long ceased to bring any feelings remotely resembling excitement in me. But this time, it is different. I am returning to the place where I first learned to be self-sufficient adult. The place which made me - pardon the sexist overtones - a "man". Yes, Japan was my first stint in a foreign place as an adult - and boy was it "foreign" in every sense of the word!

I still remember carrying two large suitcases filled with everything my obviously apprehensive mother could think of - from saucepans and pressure-cooker to Parachute hair-oil and a six-pack of Rin bars. ("What if the Japanese detergents don't suit Indian clothes?" was her indignant response to my protests.) So there I was tall, dark and hairy standing outside the gates of Narita airport with my worldly belongings, gazing in (to steal a phrase from my boss) dumb agony at the small, busy, scurrying, pale, mongoloid world around me. And dumb agony was most of what I could muster in the subsequent 12 months I was there. My employer had selected a comfortable little hamlet called "Nakamichi" as my place to live...and I am not exaggerating when I call it a little hamlet. With a population of 435 circa 1999 - my arrival in the village was an event of unprecedented significance in the hamlets surprisingly long history. I remember my colleague showing me an article in the local newspaper (incidentally placed right next to the obituaries) the day after I arrived, which proclaimed that I was the first foreigner in Nakamichi in 186 years. Jeez - that's pressure on you! I was soon the local celebrity (or village idiot or one-man-freak-circus) with children often sneaking upto my ground floor apartment windows to gaze at the "gaijin" or foreigner. The place I used to work was in the neighbouring town - which meant a 30 min walk twice everyday.

As I used to walk by green and yellow fields of pumpkin and sweet-potato (aparently sweet potatoes from Nakamichi were famed far and wide) - I was cordially greeted by old bent farmers. "Ohayo Gozaimasu" (good morning) they used to call out from under their large straw hats, raising their sickles menacingly in the air - grimacing with toothless menace. I used to shout back - "Good Morning" - cementing the fact that I was indeed Gaijin and keeping the myth alive. As the days wore on - and I slowly got used to complete social isolation - I learnt to steel myself against the silence. Silence which was deafening at times - only to be broken by the extremely loud speaker attached on top of the village hall...which announced births, deaths, divorces, marriages at infrequent intervals. I ate what I got, I listened to whatever they played on the radio, I watched english movies dubbed in Japanese - and tried to lip read. I did attempt to make some friends - but to find someone who spoke the language of the queen - was as rare as an Indian in Nakamichi. And my attempts to learn Japanese were thwarted by an inherent ineptitude for new languages.

So to spend time, I thought, and I thought and I thought some more. And a lot of what I thought - and a lot of what I discovered about my own self - is something that has made me whatever I am today. I learnt a lot about Japanese culture - the importance they placed on honour and the beauty of ritual and sacrifice. Sure enough - I was not overtly sad when I left Japan to head back home a year later. But since then - a small voice inside me has been calling me back to Nippon. It is 9 years since that voice has been calling... unfortunately it was in Japanese... :) Only now I understand what it has been saying. "Come back where you were reborn - because rebirth is what you seek."

I am excited...and I will soak in every moment of this visit... will of course keep the blog updated!

Ode to Sachin - Thinker, Rascal and Friend.

I still remember that evening in February.

Vamsi and I were meeting a friend (and colleague) at a mallu joint called Coconut Grove in Chennai. Apparently that was the only place we could think of - which served syrian beef and beer. So over pungent morsels of delight and broth made from the finest barley hops...we set about discussing the epochal topic of this friend's future choices in career. This particular discussion was all the more important, as one of the choices was a place as a peer in our team. I still don't remember why we (Vamsi and I) wanted this guy in our team...I think it was a mixture of personal rapport, recognition of his talents and someone who looked like he could share our load. So in a systematic brain-washing sort of way - we started destroying his preset notions on marketing and expectations that he had from his other options. With the beer acting as a trusty lubricant to our agressive arguments - this friend was (to our sense of victorious contentment) totally sold on joining the "elite" Category Marketing team.

That friend was Sachin. And now 20 months hence - after having worked with him at close quarters - I know for sure...that fateful night it was Sachin who convinced us that he was the right guy for the job and made us feel as if we won. That in a nutshell describes Sachin - with him it is always a win-win situation. Master interlocutor and a cunning charmer - Sachin is a living example of clarity of thought, purity of intent and potency in action. But what really makes him special? He always has been a great friend and guide.

I still smile when I think of all those times when we as a team have worked together on tough and demanding projects and events - which were only successful because as a team we always were greater than the sum of the parts. And each experience was all the more fun because Sachin made everything look so easy, because he always managed to find a solution when everyone else was scraping the bottoms of their intellect, because he never lost his sense of purpose and sight of the objective...and always managed to find the lighter side of a tough and sometimes de-moralizing job. He helped us when he didn't have to - and at the same time demanded (more like cajoled) out of us better work and more value.

We will miss you Sachin. This team will never be the same without any one of us, and especially holds true for you. The bright side of the moon says you will still be in the same company...and there is hope that our paths will cross professionally, time and again. But, it is upto us to ensure that the more important part of our relationship - one that of buddies - stays alive and that the beer continues to flow. Over Syrian beef.

Take care and Godspeed.

Karthik, Vamsi and Abhishek.